


Welcome To The Jungle

by Lasgalendil



Category: Avengers (Comics), Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avenger Sam Wilson, Awesome Pepper Potts, Awesome Sam Wilson, Bisexual Sam Wilson, Bisexual Tony Stark, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Frenemies, Gen, Humor, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, M/M, POV Sam Wilson, Podfic Welcome, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson is So Done, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 04:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7962532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasgalendil/pseuds/Lasgalendil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark is a bit of an asshole. A fine, <em>fine</em> asshole who Sam miiight be crushing on but an asshole nonetheless</p><p> ...wherein Sam Wilson, James Rhodes, and Tony Stark finally meet at an Avengers press conference…and get along about as well as you’d expect (forget house on fire, Sam was gonna go ahead and call it the burning of Rome.).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome To The Jungle

**Author's Note:**

> Rated M for swearing, references to historic (fictional and real-life) racial violence, and Tony Stark being a little shit.

_Okay, man. You're the motherfucking Falcon_ , Sam told himself, doing breathing exercises in the dressing room. _You got this._

“It’s just a PR puff piece,” one of Ms. Potts' army of personal assistants assured him as the make-up artist worked. “Nothing to worry about. No questions, just pictures to go with the bio. Relax. You’ll be fine.”

 _You'll be fine, you'll be fine, you're just fine. You're damn right_ , Samuel Thomas Wilson gave thumbs up to his nervous and more-dashing-than-usual reflection, and focused on his breathing exercises. And so many lighting adjustments and wardrobe changes and calls of "smile!" later, Sam Wilson was officially magazine cover material, man. _GQ. Esquire. attitude._ Okay, that last one maybe not, but a guy could dream. “Alright, Wilson. You’ve got presence. Great charisma. Nice smile. But you mind, uh, more action hero stuff—?”

“Sure, man," Sam joked. "You want Wesley Snipes or Denzel?” His audience of one let out a relieved little laugh.

“Oh, definitely Denzel! Perfect!” the photographer—Roger—chuckled as Sam pulled his best take no shit face and _Man on Fire_ strut. It was all fine. It was more than fine—It was _fun_. Fun but weird and hella awkward. Now he knew what Steve meant when he talked about being a showgirl, getting stalked by Paps. Then Roger had to go and make it gut-wrenching (Samuel Thomas Wilson was a grown man. He didn’t cry. Maybe a little. On the inside. Silent, manly tears of masculinity.).“Hey, man. Not to make this um, awkward or anything, but I’ve got this nephew—“  
  
“Oh? Oh! No problem!” Sam took the proffered sharpie and news clipping excitedly. “Anything to help a brother out. Who you want me to make it out to?”  
  
“Uh, Tyrone.”  
  
“Uh-huh,” Sam nodded. Scrawled ‘Hey my man Tyrone, from Falcon’ across the New York Times’ front page spread on his sorry self. Pops had been a civil rights activist. He knew how damn important representation could be. “And how old’s he?”  
  
“Uh, six. He um,” Roger flushed. “He wants to be a superhero when he grows up.”

“Hey, man,” Sam clapped his shoulder. “Nothin’ super about it. Just a lot of hard work and dedication. You tell him that, okay?” All in all, for his first day as an official Avenger, Sam thought it was going pretty damn well.  
  
…and then Stark had to show up.

* * *

“Excellent,” Ms. Potts breezed by the editing room as Sam blushed like a damn fool. “You did so well, Sam. We're very impressed."  
  
“Uh, thanks. Ms. Potts.” She smiled. That knowing grin of a confident, intelligent, amazing woman whose good looks were far, far from the most intimidating thing about her (although they certainly weren’t helping Sam’s situation any. So he had a thing for smart, successful ladies, sue him. And Ms. Potts was the legit Beyoncé of the business world.).

“Call me Pepper, Sam. I insist. You’ve met Colonel Rhodes—?”  
  
“Okay, no,” Stark said, appearing behind her, stuffing his mouth with some ungodly kale shake/concoction as the jilted Rhodes fumbled awkwardly.  
  
“Okay, Wilson, I’ma give it to you straight—wow, first and last time _that’s_ ever going to happen—you’ve got a major case of resting bitch face, there. I was thinking all ‘Sam I Am, I’m here to help.’ Cap’s best bud. Kid sidekick. Jackson Five. New Buckaroo 2.0.  But this—?" he waved. "This just screams shoot me. I mean, Sam-my-man, _you’re from DC_ —you’ve got no excuse,” Stark continued his word-vomit as Sam, the photographer, and the assembled PR personnel all gawped. “Nope. Scrap it. Waaay too Malcom X.”  
  
_Oh, bitch you did not,_ Sam thought. Paul “I don’t give a hoot if you’re an atheist as long as you’re a good person” and MLK did NOT die for this shit. “Man, fuck you. You got a black best friend so I’m ‘posed to be down with that?” Sam scowled. Resting bitch face? Make that a _ctively hostile bitch face,_ shitburger.  
  
“Whoa! Whoa, wait a second there, buddy,” Stark said, removing those sunglasses and gesticulating wildly. “Did your agent call? ‘Cause the part of the annoying talking animal sidekick has already been taken.”  
  
…Sam blinked.  
  
“Damnit, Tony. That was going to be my line,” Colonel Rhodes sighed as Stark burst into chuckles, spewing kale juice from his nose all down Ms. Potts’ bespoke business suit.  
  
“Aw hell no, you did not just quote _Eddie Murphy_ on my ass,” Sam said as the CEO of Stark Enterprises and media spokesperson for the Avengers Initiative handed the ruined jacket over to her PA staff with a fondly amused smile and the grace of a queen.  
  
“Welcome aboard, Mr. Wilson,” she re-iterated. “And Tony?”  
  
“Yes, dear?”  
  
“Behave.”  
  
“Hey, hey Wilson. ask me where I’m going, ‘cause I’m going to get some ass,” Stark stage-whispered as he winked, bungling the rest of that quote as he slurped the rest of the smoothie suggestively, then sprinted after Ms. Potts.  
  
“Yeah, you better run!" Sam called as the scattered PR personnel whinged. “And that's _save_ your ass. And that wasn’t even in the sequel! Get it right.”  
  
“Hey, man,” Stark shrugged from the open elevator, and surveyed him like a shark. “I go both ways.” Goddamn. What was with Sam and wounded whiteboys, anyways? Dude was a douchebag. Unfuckingbelievable.  
  
“Welcome to the jungle, man,” Rhodes shook his head, extending hand. “I'm Rhodey."

"He always like this?" Sam asked faintly.

"Oh, man. Believe me," Rhodey promised. "it's all downhill from here.”  
  
...And that, kids, was the start of a beautiful—if somewhat calamitous—friendship. If the Avengers were like family, then Tony Stark was that one weird, slightly racist uncle who showed up late and drunk to every reunion.

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: Cut the Shrek! Because Samuel Thomas Wilson is damn awesome and Anthony Mackie is God’s gift to humankind, that's why.
> 
> Inspired by these two interviews and song:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR9sW910WyQ  
> Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) Bloopers, Gag Reel & Outtakes #2
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj4twOjPBhQ  
> Captain America The Winter Soldier Cast Think He Needs Porn
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1tj2zJ2Wvg  
> GunsNRosesVEVO


End file.
